INTERVIEW WITH A VELOCIRAPTOR

INTERVIEW WITH A VELOCIRAPTOR-9/15/00

On September 14, 2000, Bob Jasper, correspondent for HMT Journal, received what he thought was surely a prank call from an unknown person named Ernie. Ernie offered what he claimed was the first documented interview with a Velociraptor, a long extinct meat-eating dinosaur from the late Cretaceous period. All Ernie asked in return was for Bob to bring with him 127 pounds of Burger King Whoppers.

What follows is an account of that interview, which took place at 10:07 AM on September 15, 2000. No cameras were allowed.

"I'm not a gullible person, mind you, so certainly I did not think I was going to interview a Velociraptor. I am educated, highly educated and not one to succumb to pranks by guys named Ernie. Still, who knows. They are filming Jurassic Park 3 on the island as we speak, so, you never know, maybe one of the herd got tired of Sam Neill and Steven Spielberg getting all the press. So I bought 234 Whoppers, loaded them in the van, and off I went, deep into the Keahua Arboretum in the Wailua Forest on the Hawaiian Island of Kauai, to the pre-arranged meeting place. Ernie stated that my interviewee would be sitting on a fallen tree 3.4 miles into the forest.

As I made the 30 minute drive to the rendezvous point, I chuckled to myself that either I was very foolish and going to end up very sick from having to eat 234 Whoppers, or, I was going to have a scoop that not even the National Enquirer could touch. Getting nearer, I started to feel really queasy. My highly educated mind convinced me that smelling a van load of Whoppers for 30 minutes would make anybody sick.

The farther I went, the darker it got, Hawaii's beautiful blue sky hidden by a dense canopy of heavily vegetated trees in the forest. As I rounded a corner and my odometer clicked to 3.4 miles (yes, mine clicks), there, off to my right, barely visible in the mist, was a Velociraptor, looking very relaxed, sitting on a log. STUPID ME! I was kicking myself for not sneaking my camera on board. Who on this green earth would EVER believe that Velociraptors sit on logs? Up until now, we have never seen one sit on anything. It was all I could do to contain my excitement. If I had shown this beast the dollar signs in my eyeballs, knowing how much this interview would sell for, it probably would have insisted on more Whoppers than I had.

Here is my interview. After you read it, just send money to Interview, P.O. Box 659, Kapaa, HI. 96746. $5.00 will do. You can't possibly think I would risk my life for free. This, of course, is on the honor system. Proceeds go to the Ernie Whopper Fund.

Ernie Whopper Fund to date: $1.25

HMT: Hi.

VEL: Hi.

HMT: Are you a Velociraptor?

VEL: Of course, idiot!

HMT: (oh oh). Hmmm, what should I call you?

VEL: Ernie

HMT: ERNIE!! You're Ernie? You're the one who called? (losing my professional cool now)

ERNIE: Not to bright are you? What do you think I'm gonna do, just walk up to someone on the street and ask them to call you? Where's my Whoppers?

HMT: I got'em Ernie, I got'em. They're in the van. Are you hungry now? (At this point Ernie got up, went over to the van, ripped the side of it off and ate every Whopper in one gulp. Didn't even offer me one.)

HMT: Feel better Ernie? (When I asked that, Ernie let out the grossest belch you have ever heard, spraying me with slimy Whopper goop from head to toe.)

ERNIE: Yup. Let's get down to business here.

HMT: Sure. Why did you want this interview Ernie? I mean, after all these years, why now.

ERNIE: Spielberg!

HMT: Spielberg?

ERNIE: Yea, Spielberg! I'm pissed at Spielberg!

HMT: What on Earth for?

ERNIE: Ripping off my storyline, that's what for! This whole Jurassic Park thing was my idea, right from the get go!

HMT: I think you better explain that Ernie. And by the way, how the heck did you learn to talk?

ERNIE: Disney. I watched that stupid movie Dinosaur. Until that, I didn't know I could talk. Anyway, long ago this kid Spielberg was tramping around in the forest here on Kauai, came through a bush and stepped on my tail while I was sleeping. Scared the crap out of me. Scared the crap out of him to when I screamed.

HMT: Screamed? You scream?

ERNIE: Sure, haven't you seen any of the movies?

HMT: Well, yea, but I thought that whole thing was make believe.

ERNIE: See, exactly! That's my point! That's what Spielberg wants everybody to think! That it's all made up, that he and that Crichton guy just sat down and concocted this whole thing for your viewing pleasure! I mean, do you think that it's just coincidence that Crichton has a house here and I just happen to live here too? Come on. Any judge in the land is gonna cream them both. THIS WHOLE THING IS MY LIFE STORY!

HMT: This whole thing? All of it, even The Lost World?

ERNIE: God no! Not that one. That was a diversionary tactic by them to throw off the judge. They can have that one!

HMT: Wow Ernie, this is blowing my mind. But tell me, if you just learned to talk when you saw Dinosaur and it just came out recently, then how did you tell your life story to Spielberg?

ERNIE: I wrote it out.

HMT: Wrote it out? Come on Ernie! How did you learn how to write?

ERNIE: My mom. She taught me. Dad didn't know how to write.

HMT: Ernie, I'm having a hard time believing all this. I mean..........(about that time Ernie got this look in his eye that I saw in the first JP and I knew right then he was telling the truth--and that I had better shut up.) Ok, so go ahead, tell me, how did it all start?

ERNIE: Well, after Spielberg came to. Oh, when I screamed, he passed out. Anyway, when he came to I felt kind of sorry for him, so I just sat on a log and smiled, you know, trying to put him at ease. I mean, I've always liked guys with beards. Reminds me of my Dad.

HMT: Your Dad had a beard Ernie?

ERNIE: No.

HMT: Uhhhhh, ok, go ahead.

ERNIE: So he starts jabbering away, you know, like a hundred miles an hour and I just sat there and stared at him. Finally, I shrugged my shoulders to let him.............

HMT: You shrugged your shoulders? Ernie, you don't have any shoulders.

ERNIE: No, but I got a hell of alot of teeth and I'm telling the story, so just shut that itsy bitsy with no big teeth in it mouth and let me finish!

HMT: Yes sir.

ERNIE: As I was saying, I shrugged my shoulders to let him know I couldn't understand a word he was saying. Now, as much as I dislike the guy, I will say he is very smart, cause he figured out what I was getting at. So then, I picked up a stick......

HMT: Hold it Ernie! You picked up a stick? How the hell do you pick up a stick? (at that point Ernie picked up a stick and knocked me silly with it.) Go ahead Ernie.

ERNIE: Gees you're rude. Like I was saying, I picked up a stick and started writing things in the dirt. I told him hi, he wrote hi. I told him my name was Ernie, he told me his was Steven and blah, blah, blah. On and on we wrote. Finally we got around to how I got to Kauai and that's when the whole thieving mess started.

HMT: How did you get to Kauai Ernie?

ERNIE: I was born here.

HMT: Born here? Well, where's your parents? (at this point, tears welled up in his eyes and I knew I had touched a nerve. The perfect Barbara Walters moment and no stinking camera.)

ERNIE: You didn't see the movie did you? Spielberg killed them. Killed them all, my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, everybody except me.

HMT: Wait a minute Ernie. You said it was your life story. If Spielberg killed your parents, that means they were alive when he met you.

ERNIE: Dramatic license. He embellishes everything. ET! Remember ET? ET didn't go home. He's still locked in a cage somewhere at Spielberg's house, just waiting for the right moment to spring that sequel on us.

HMT: Go ahead Ernie, continue.

ERNIE: So I tell the guy this whole story, about Hammond and Grant and Malcolm. It took over two acres to write the whole thing out.

HMT: Hmmmm. If that's true Ernie, how did Crichton get it? He wrote the first book.

ERNIE: Stumbled on it. He was out taking a walk and just stumbled on it. I mean, how do you hide two acres of story? Word for word, he stole it, and then he and Spielberg worked up this devious plan to rip me off.

HMT: If this whole thing is true Ernie, why does Spielberg keep coming back here to make the movies? He knows you're here. Don't you think he knows you're a little upset?

ERNIE: Cause, he knows I'm hard up for Whoppers and will work cheap. Do you know how much it costs to design one of me on a computer? Thousands I tell you, thousands! I work for Whoppers. Now that I can talk, maybe he'll give me a speaking part in JP3. I'm tired of being an extra.

HMT: Well, if this is your life story, then you know what the third movie is going to be about. Tell me Ernie, what's the plot line?

ERNIE: Can't.

HMT: What do you mean you can't? I brought you 234 Whoppers Ernie!

ERNIE: Confidentiality agreement.

HMT: With who?

ERNIE: Spielberg.

HMT: Spielberg!? I thought you hated Spielberg? I thought you were gonna sue him?

ERNIE: I'm trying to work something out with him. Part of that big 20% he got.

HMT: Ernie, he doesn't get paid in Whoppers!

ERNIE: He doesn't?

HMT: No Ernie, he gets paid in cold, hard cash.

ERNIE: Shit! Screwed again. I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust that guy. I am soooo pissed right now!

HMT: (Ernie was definitely getting worked up, I was starting to feel like anything in front of him could be a Spielberg stand-in and perhaps, it was time for me to bid my new friend aloha.) Well, Ernie, I have really enjoyed our conversation, but you know, my wife expects me home real soon and knows exactly where I am, if you get my drift.

ERNIE: Well, ok, thanks for coming to visit with me. You know, sometimes, being the only one here, it gets very lonesome. I really don't have any friends to visit with.

HMT: I'm sorry Ernie. It probably does get lonely out here.

ERNIE: Yea, it does, but you know what I do when it gets bad, when the rain is pouring down and the wind is howling and I'm cold and I start thinking about how Mom used to keep me warm? You know what I do?

HMT: What do you do Ernie?

As a ray of sunshine shone through the trees on Ernie, he reached back behind the log he was sitting on and pulled something out to show me.

ERNIE: I hold this close to my heart. It's my Mom's Mom.

And there, in Ernie's claws, was the canister, glistening in the sun.

HMT: Oh my God Ernie, the canister. I can't believe it. It's real!! It really exists!

ERNIE: Of course it exists idiot!

HMT: But, but all this time, I just thought it was make believe, you know. A prop in a movie! But it's real Ernie! It's real. It's like the Holy Grail!

ERNIE: Idiot.

As I got in my van, my head spinning with all that had just happened, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Ernie, the loneliness he must feel out here. I found myself glad he had the canister to keep him company. I put the van in gear, turned to wave goodbye to Ernie when, all of a sudden he started yelling at me. He still had the canister in his claw.

ERNIE: Wait, wait.

HMT: Yes Ernie?

ERNIE: Hey, how many Whoppers you think I could get for this thing on E-bay?

If you have questions for Ernie, please email them and we will ask him on our next interview. I'm sure he'll call again.

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